July 23, 2008

• Of zombies and heartache.

  I like to plan ahead. I feel better when I’ve mapped out a pretty clear stratagem. Obviously, I can’t account for all forces of nature and/or acts of God but at least if I am confronted with a nasty hail storm of fire, I can pull out my plan and watch as it turns to ash.

  My point is that I love to be prepared but I keep it in mind that anything can change without so much as a moment’s notice. I do have obsessive compulsive personality disorder and that complicates things a bit considering I’m also a mother but I think it helps as well. I might not have known what to do with a newborn, but I knew how to make my house, car, and life ready for one. I don’t really have a motto, but if I did, it would be something like, “Prepare for what you can but be willing to adapt when necessary.”

  I’m really pretty laid back. I have been described, on more than one occasion, as being a very passionate person. And I am. When something or someone strikes a chord with me, I am truly captivated. I will fight for what I believe in and I will admit when I realize that I’ve been holding onto something not because I understand it or agree with it but because it was comfortable. I can change, I can allow new forces into my life. I always thought that I was horrible with change. The funny thing is, you would think that after becoming a mother, I would try and beat it off with a baseball bat. But I welcome it with open arms now.

  For so long I protected myself from the world because I had been hurt. I had felt so much pain that I decided I didn’t want to feel anything. Then, I got to a point where I was just a zombie–no relationships, no feelings, and a real, desperate desire to bite human flesh… I wanted to feel anything even if it was heartache and loves lost. Pain brought me back from my state of zomboid and pain is what makes me a better person. When I can feel my heart aching, I can feel it expanding.

  • 1:24 pm
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