July 22, 2008

• How have I changed since motherhood? How haven’t I changed? My life began and ended at the same time. I grew up, I knew that I couldn’t put myself first anymore. I knew that everything was going to change. And the funny thing is that I have never been that great with change. Was I afraid? Of course, but my desire for a family outweighed my fears. I was relatively calm and serene while I was pregnant, the only thing that truly scared me was the idea of labor and delivery but I knew that one day, the baby was going to come out so I just had to deal with it.

  I haven’t read a lot of parenting books. And the ones I have, I haven’t read from cover to cover. I haven’t had a lot of questions over the last couple of years about my baby’s eating or sleeping or pooping habits. When my daughter would get sick, I had questions, so I would call the doctor or my mother but I was never terribly worried. I’ve never felt the need to join a bunch of playgroups or Mommy and Me classes, I haven’t spent a bunch of time in Mommy blogrings or chatboards (do those still exist?).

  I’m not saying that I’m a perfect mom or that I have all the answers but I have just never felt so unsure or uneasy that I needed a lot of help. Part of who I am is a loner, I have done and will continue to do most things on my own. Though I take my daughter with me now, I still see it as being alone because she is an extension of me. I think that I was waiting my whole life to have her. Don’t get me wrong, my life hasn’t always been about having babies and it still isn’t all about having babies. But my life was definitely incomplete before. And in many ways, it still is. I have yet to fill my life with all the things that I truly care about, but at least I have gotten started.

  In many ways, I have felt alienated from other mothers. Either because of my age (I was 20 when my daughter was born, you should have seen some of the looks I’ve gotten) or because I chose to stay at home instead of going back to work. Being a mother means making a choice between something bad and something unpleasant. There are no black and white, right and wrong choices.

  This is my story. I met my husband on May 28, 2005. We dated off and on all during that summer and come mid-August we were very much together and going back to college. We celebrated my birthday together (September 17th) and by mid-October I found out I was pregnant. We decided to move back to our homes (away from the University in Tempe), drop out of school and get full-time jobs. I was working by December and him by January. We moved in together mid-February, had our baby in June and were married by August. That’s it. I’ve known him 3 years and we’ve been married almost 2. I’m not particularly proud of this story (as it shows a lack of discretion) but I wouldn’t have it any other way. One change, and I probably wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter with me now.

  What do you think about mistakes in your life that have led to wonderful outcomes?

  

  • 3:36 pm
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