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brrr. it’s cold already. i’m not used to this, but it’s nice. i feel impatient, very, very, very, very, very so. and mostly at like three in the morning. the worst possible time (at least, i think) to feel this way. i’m exhausted but yet, i can never sleep. and tylenol pm is definitely not helping me.
i wish i knew what was going on. but that’s so true about so many things.
oh yeah, and since when did “freedom of speech” mean that you had to keep talking. what about “anything you say can and will be held against you?”
i swear, sometimes you just can’t win. just because i don’t gush over how exciting/awesome/cute/whatever something is, doesn’t mean, well it doesn’t mean a damn thing. i feel like i can’t win these days.
and, one other thing i forgot. just because global warming isn’t a damn scientific fact, it doesn’t mean that doing things like recycling, fuel efficient vehicles, he lightbulbs, and just plain conserving energy will hurt either our economy or our environment. i swear. you know what? i don’t care if global warming isn’t a problem, but what’s so wrong with recycling? you understand my point, right?
but seriously, if you win a nobel peace prize you might not be completely full of shit after all.
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so, it’s been a while since i’ve updated. i guess you could say there is a lot going on. and was, and still will be.
i love this little girl like crazy. she’s 16 months old tomorrow. where does the time go?
there are only five more months left on our lease. we can’t stay here, but have no idea where to go. i feel like moving here was a good thing and a bad thing all rolled into one. moving cross country was amazing, but packing up our apartment into a 16 foot truck and hauling it 2000 miles was not fun. and now, we’re thinking about doing it again. only, probably about 1200 miles.
we’re thinking about moving to buffalo. well, amherst. my parents live outside of toronto so it’s about as close as we can live to them without moving to canada. which, i’ve found, can be extremely difficult. i know nothing of snow. and this is probably one of the biggest obstacles concerning the move to buffalo. but another is that housing is one of a few things such as a)crap, b)affordable but really frickin old, or c)new, beautiful, and frickin expensive. i hate how prohibitive the lack of money is. i never realized that money really does make the world go round, well, i suppose that was because back then, i actually had some.
but on a happier note, i just bought this game for my ds that i’ve been addicted to ever since i downloaded it on my blackberry. which was, two days ago. cake mania! i just can’t stop. and it was clinique bonus time at macy’s. so i totally scored in that department. it’s been so long since i’ve spent my money on superficial things like hair and makeup. i totally miss it. but i love the time i spend spoiling my daughter rotten. her laugh is probably one of the best sounds in the world.
about two months after i had georgia, my ob/gyn gave me a prescription for birth control, which i never filled. i meant to, but never got around to it. so for a year after, every month i thought i was pregnant again. scared out of my mind about it, but a little hopeful too. but now, i’ve been on ortho tri-cyclen lo for two months now, and ugh, i’d rather be pregnant, cause at least i’d get something out of it. what i mean is that the pill makes me nauseous, hormonal, tired, and then gives me cravings. but those are supposed to be over with now. the only thing is that now i’ve safeguarded myself against getting pregnant, it’s something i’d really like to do again. and probably sooner rather than later.
that’s how it goes i guess. maybe it’s the hormones talking. or the fact that my little girl isn’t a baby anymore, combined with the fact that my cousin is newly pregnant. and i’m so excited! how i wish i lived back home, i had so wanted someone close to my age that had gone through or was going through the same things as me. it’s all well and good to have advice from your parents but sometimes it’s just better to have a friend.
tomorrow night, my husband, my gigi, and myself are boarding a plane headed for phoenix. and i miss my hometown so much that i’m trying not to be overly excited because i know how i’ll feel when i leave it again. i had never wanted to leave a place more than i wanted to be out of the valley, but now it’s all i want. even i can’t quite understand just how much i love my home.
well, the spell check refuses to work, so please pardon my mistakes. i have the attention span of well, my sixteen-month old.
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i feel like it’s been a really long weekend. and that’s probably due to the fact that almost nothing but football has been on tv since saturday morning. to be honest, i don’t really mind college football. it’s pro football that i can’t stand. other than well, the superbowl.
i’m excited for this fall. it’s already pretty cool outside, which i love, and i’m just waiting for the leaves to change. this is something i’ve never seen before so i’m pretty stoked.
i feel like i’ve been disconnected from my life lately. as if what i’m living isn’t my real life. i don’t know how to explain it and it’s not the first time i’ve felt like this. i feel like i spend most of my life waiting for something and not just enjoying the present. it’s so hard because i’m constantly feeling some sort of anxiety about upcoming events. i can’t say for sure if it’s a good or a bad thing that since i got pregnant (which i just realized was two years ago) my life has been anything but constant. it’s not unstable, it’s just that it’s always changing. i feel like i’m always on the verge of something.
this is how i would love for the next five years to play out. i want to go back to school and finish my degree. when we hit our five year anniversary i would love to renew our vows with an actual ceremony, considering we never had a wedding to begin with. not that i’m sad about getting married in my car, in a drive-thru, in vegas. it was definitely a thrill. and then, after that i feel like it would be a good time to have another baby. i don’t know if this is how it will play out, and i might end up having another baby before then. i just feel like it’s time for me to do something. and i would rather be out there earning a degree than working for crap pay.
i don’t know. this isn’t exactly how i imagined my life to be, which isn’t a bad thing at all, in fact, i’m not sure that i even did imagine what my life would be like at 22. for sure, i would have thought i’d be finishing my degree this next may, but i can say with certainty that right now i’d rather have a 15 month old darling than a college degree. and who knows, maybe one day i’ll end up giving ten million dollars to a major university and getting an honorary degree. but at that point, with all that money why would i need an honorary degree? and to be honest, when i’m in my late forties, ten million dollars will be a mere pittance. hardly worth mentioning.
so let’s be straight. i like where i am, but it’s an odd feeling to reexamine your life and feel like you’re not quite a part of it. i’m ready for the next adventure because i know it will be the best one yet. i never used to like change, i used to fear it like no other, but now, with all the growing up that i’ve done, i see that it’s never a bad thing. change, like anything else in life, is what you make of it. determination and a willing spirit are half the battle.
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i added a photo module to the left of my page. i had to stretch out the header for it to fit properly, but i think it looks okay. and i like looking at my little booger anyway.
ugh. so, two weeks ago i had my husband switch direct deposit accounts for his paycheck. the bank we were using just didn’t fit our needs anymore. well, i figured that two weeks should be enough time to change the info. and how very wrong i was. the new banking info didn’t go through and as if that’s not enough, instead of just depositing into the old account, they sent us a check instead! and we still haven’t received the check. so, here’s hoping it comes on monday and i can get it deposited because i have damn bills to pay!!!!! argh.
i seriously feel like an overworked accountant.
money is so stressful, especially when you don’t have an abundance of it.
i’m dreading taking my gigi on the planes this wednesday. i hope all goes well. it shouldn’t be too bad but hartsfield-jackson is like the worst airport of life. well, actually kansas city is worse. but at least it’s smaller. i like small airports, like providence. all airports should be like providence. or buffalo. but actually, sky harbor really isn’t that bad. and it might just be my favorite airport of all.
okay, hopefully i’m going to watch you, me, & dupree with my love and go to bed. isn’t my saturday night exhilarating?
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i absolutely abhor fast food right now. i feel like it costs waaaaaayy to much. whenever we order something, it’s usually not fresh and for the most part, they screw up the order somehow. and, as if it’s bad enough when they mess up the order, it’s like five billion times worse when you tell them that it’s wrong and you want it fixed. like, i called sonic after they messed up the order and the “manager” started arguing with me. what’s that about? i actually asked her like three times why she was arguing with me. my order was wrong. fix it. end of discussion.
and.
my 22nd is this monday.
gigi and i leave for toronto on wednesday. it’s cold there. brrrrr.
i’m still pissed at being argued with. it gets me all riled and then i’m completely righteous for like seven years after.
whatever.
i know it’s been a while since i talked specifically about gigi, so here goes. she’s fifteen months old now. walking, but not running yet. thank god. i’m still giving her bottles of formula though, she’s very attached though i think she won’t be any trouble at all to wean from the bottle. i just like the connection, even if it’s only for ten minutes.
she’s started a little bit of pretend play. like talking on the telephone, she’s very good at that. she’s so cute to watch. she loves puppies and gets very excited when she sees some.
we’ve been in our “new” apartment for six months now and it feels like forever but also like time has flown. i’m so proud of myself though because i’ve kept it all very neat and clean. our last apartment was a pigsty and it felt like we lived there forever. i kind of miss it, i liked where we lived but there was absolutely no way that we could stay in that complex. they were horrible people and everyone around us hated dogs and we always yelling. it wasn’t exactly the safest place either.
it’s football season, again. i like fall, now that i’m not in school anymore. when i was a child fall was always the worst season. it’s especially so in phoenix because really, there is no such season. there is hot and then mild. usually between 50 and 60 in the “winter.”
and, i’ve come to the conclusion that i can’t stand most other mothers. most of these women are years older than me, not that they’re forty or something, just like 5-7 years older. but they act like old women. and all are high and mighty, i-would-do-anything-for-my-kid-and-probably-would-especially-if-it-was-unnecessary-and-caused-me-discomfort-just-to-show-my-commitment kind of attitude. but the other thing i can’t stand is teenagers who are actively trying to become mothers and fathers. and i don’t mean nineteen, more like fifteen and already have one kid. i never actually thought stuff like that was real, i thought it existed only on springer.
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i’ve realized lately that there are a lot of things in this world that i am vehemently opposed to. and rather than dwell on those things, i shall try to put them from my mind.
i am going to try and pursue a student visa to live in canada. i would absolutely love to go back to school and get my degree. i know that when i am able to graduate, i will feel such a sense of accomplishment. i remember the days when i had dreams and aspirations. i feel like i’m just sort of floating along, going with the ebb and flow.
i have some serious research to do. there’s a lot i want to accomplish in the next five years and i know that the only way i’ll get through it all is if i work really, really hard.
there’s that hush, the feel of goosebumps when you’re overtaken by a sense of adventure and excitement.
i do have strong opinions and i would like to voice them in a calm, dignified manner that shows no sense of hatred.
goodnight, all.
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