it’s not me that i’m hurting, and i’m sorry.
i’m so desperate to feel that pain again.
so many years spent crying, wondering what i did wrong, knowing there was no answer.
all i ever wanted was for it to go away,
to just be happy.
is this what i want?
what happened to that girl?
i want her back.
ciao bella.
tired doesn’t even begin to describe it
there’s a stage, somewhere past exhaustion that just has no name
it’s all about letting go, and the inability to do so, ever
medieval torture kinda sucks, being pulled from every direction
contentment isn’t what it used to be
and i just feel boring but not bored
is it monotony or monogamy that bothers me the most?
ciao bella.
the reasons why all make sense. yet i still feel like it’s not right. i feel trapped really. the options i had just weren’t good enough. and it seems like everyone thinks they know what’s best for her.
when did life get so hard?
it’s so hot in here. there is no bigger bummer than seeing what you pay each month in rent, utilities, cable, food. and with the exception of cable, we kinda need the water, roof, and sustenance.
and you know what i find is the biggest rip off? baby formula. i mean, it’s bad enough for the women who choose to bottle feed but those who can’t, it’s such a slap in the face. but seriously, it hurts, so either way, it’s a pain.
we pay so much for convenience, it makes me wonder if it’s really so.
ciao bella.
things are starting to settle down around here. life is pretty good. i’ve got the most beautiful, adorable baby girl and a supportive husband. i don’t have to work and so get to spend all my time with my gorgeous girl. we just got to visit my parents up in burlington, ontario, ca. and our trip was a lot of fun. i miss my family like crazy but my mom comes home around every six weeks so i still get to see her. our puppy has an ear infection and i feel so bad for him because i know he’s had it for a while and i should have taken him to the vet sooner. but he’s on some medication and i can tell he already feels better. the baby meanwhile has learned two new tricks, she now does raspberries like crazy and she has learned to screech. so she sits in her little car seat, very content just screeching away. my mom and i took her to a movie and she was actually watching it and having a great time. and i have since realized the importance of and how much i want a college degree. i’m still trying to figure out how things fit together but so far, everything has just come together beautifully for our new family. and now, for the first time in so long, i am just so happy with everything. i can’t explain it. i wrote better when i was single and depressed but i feel better now that i’m not. i think it’s because i know that i’m needed now. it’s a very good feeling. 
ciao bella.
we’re married now! after several hours of driving, a trip to the clark county courthouse, and a stop at the little white wedding chapel. mr. & mrs. sielski. not the greatest last name, i confess, but it fits.
ciao bella.
ciao bella.
i am so confused. i can’t seem to make up my mind. but one thing i know for sure, i would feel so much better if i could clean my apartment.
and, i’ve quit my job.
didn’t think i’d be here so quickly, but i’m now a stay at home mom.
thank god i don’t have a minivan, or the mom haircut.
but i can’t help but smile when i see this face every morning.
she’s already sleeping through the night and she’s only eight weeks old.
ciao bella.
i have started to write something so many times now, i’ve lost count. the trouble is that i start with something and either get distracted or just realize that what i was writing was complete crap.
my baby girl is 6 weeks old now. she’s the most beautiful, amazing thing in my life. i felt great after i had her, except for (obviously) the pain from childbirth via c-section and now i just feel deflated. i don’t know if what i’m feeling is postpartum depression or if i’m just really stressed about having to find child care and going back to work.
it’s just never going to work. i’m never going to feel comfortable leaving my baby with a complete stranger for four days a week. we only have one car and it’s not as easy as it was when we both worked across the street. i hate where we live partly because it’s too small, partly because the management sucks and it’s way expensive, and also in part due to our crappy ass neighbors.
i would quit my job right now if i could. i don’t have it for the money i bring in, all whopping $330 2x/month, but for the benefits. health insurance is crucial for me and the baby and we’ve got really great coverage right now.
i want to go back to school and i’ve done everything i need to do to go back in the fall but i can’t find a class i need and want to take.
i just feel so damn frustrated. i’ve always wanted a baby. i knew i would be a mother but i never knew how hard it would be for me. we all have that age-old picture in our heads of how life is supposed to go. college, job, serious relationship, fabulous engagement, amazing and seriously costly wedding, and then children.
to be honest, i have my baby (which obviously i can’t change now–and i wouldn’t if i could) and i would like to go back to getting my degree and other than that i’m not sure which of those other things i want. i’m not even sure if i want more children. i love the idea but the execution is killer.
i’m not really happy with anything right now. especially the fact that i still look several months pregnant and can’t seem to get rid of this baby weight. sure, i had fun gaining it but had i realized how freaking hard it would be to get rid of, i wouldn’t have done. eat anything i wanted i mean, not eating in general.
hopefully he’s stopped snoring so loudly now. i don’t know if i can sleep but i’ll try if i’ve got the chance.
ciao bella.
i don’t miss feeling like i have something to prove. i’ve had some sort of revelation today and i realize that life not being all about me may actually be a good thing.
there have been dramatic changes in my life over the past year. all of them are improvements – something for the better. but with all change comes the negatives, the drawbacks.
it happens. what’s the use in wasting time feeling badly about the current state of events.
it serves no purpose.
control does not exist except in perception.
and life isn’t something that happens to you unless you ride bitch.
honestly, who does that?
ciao bella.
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