Honestly, I don’t know who you think you are to judge other people’s responses as “crap”.  It is one thing to have an educated opinion, but to refer as other people’s fear as “crap” is ridiculous and shows me you have a lot of growing up to do.  Being alone for some is unbearable.  How does being afraid of mediocrity any better than being afraid of dying/being alone.  Exactly how did you come up with that formula that dictates who’s fears are “crappy” and who’s are not?  You are very forth-right with your opinions, but didn’t answer the question yourself.  Are you afraid that people would have the same reaction to your fear?  By not answering, does that somehow make you better or superior to those of us that open our minds and hearts so you can sit behind your computer and tear people down?

You commented, “…don’t make your life all about your children.”  If that is how you really feel, then I pity you.  Its the parents that take too many steps back that fail.  It is all about balance and knowing when to push, and when to back off, but not simply taking steps back.  My dreams can be put on hold.  I have 18 years with my child, and 8 of those have already passed.  School will always be there, but in 10 more years, my son will not.  He will be a grown man, and I will have to hope that I did things right.  You can’t do that if you don’t make your life about your children.  It’s a fascade if you think you can.

these are the words of a self-important woman who is completely deluded.  i don’t have to justify my words.  my opinion is simply that.  let’s say that my child is my number one priority, it would then logically follow that my greatest fear would be about her and not myself.  and also, let’s take a minute to think about why my daughter is not and should not be my number one priority.  i have a husband.  if i let him take back seat to her, um, well i’d be single.  but i care about him and i want him to stick around.  further more, if you cannot take care of yourself, which means, when the need arises, to be able to put yourself first, you cannot even imagine taking care of someone else.  i don’t sit here and think of ways to tear people down.  that’s not worth my time.  but i can say, that if your biggest fear is of being alone, it means you are not comfortable with who you are.  and that means, you need to work on yourself.  and let’s face it, we are all going to die.  it doesn’t matter when, how, where, or even why for that matter.  you have absolutely no choice about how you die, unless you take your own life.  so, it is pointless to be afraid of death.  it is inevitable.  it’s why the expression “death and taxes” exists.

btw, it’s f-a-c-a-d-e.  but she’s blocked me, probably because i’m such a bad mother.

ciao bella.

i didn’t express what i was thinking thoroughly.

if i make my daughter my number one priority, my husband must take a backseat to her.  i know that’s not how a healthy marriage functions.

if i had something of worth, something that could better our world, a solution to the problem of global warming perhaps, or a cure for cancer, maybe even a suggestion for ending starvation, should i keep it to myself because i’m a mother?

does everything in this world take a backseat to the needs of one very small dictator?

that’s not how it works.

do i love my child?  that’s not even a question.  am i afraid that i’m not a good enough mother to her?  never.  and here’s why, no one could ever be a better mother to her than i am.

and you could argue that point till you’re blue in the face.  but it won’t change the fact that it’s just true.

i’m NOT a drug addict, a prostitute, a thief, an adulterer, or a glutton for that matter.

in most cases, good parenting does mean have good end results.  you’re a fool to think that parenting doesn’t matter.  but did you always listen to your parents?

i have goals and dreams of my own and just because i choose to pursue them does not mean that i’m a crappy parent.

and i hate it when people can’t spell words correctly.

so, i just read a few of the blogs on today’s featured question of “what is your biggest fear?”  i think most people’s answers were crap.  that’s a harsh statement but i figure, why be blunt?  most of what i read described being alone as the biggest fear.  it’s crap, crap, crap.

pick something better, i swear.  say something original.  i don’t know, say that your biggest fear is never learning how to knit, never seeing the taj mahal, that the world’s leading oncologists will never come up with a cure for cancer (or that they will, but for strictly monetary purposes they will keep it to themselves).  say that your biggest fear is not dying, ever.  that scares me more than death.  say that your biggest fear is that you believe in the wrong god, or none at all, and that you’ll be stranded at the equivalent of the pearly gates and (is it peter or paul that guards the gates?  and shouldn’t i know that?) whoever won’t let you pass, so you’ll be stuck for all eternity and a day with, i don’t know, richard simmons, sweating to the oldies.

tell me that above all your biggest fear is being subjected to empathic suffering.  or simply say that you’re afraid of mediocrity.

ciao bella.

if i can’t tell if i’m being insulted or not, does that mean i am?

if only by myself?

i must learn to master stoicism.

because, quite frankly,

i believe that through non-use,

i have suffered quite a tragedy.

and i still can’t decide.

ciao bella.

i think that being an actual grown up kind of sucks.  but things will change in time.

and all things considered, i have to keep in mind that i’m only 21.  i’m light years away from the bad haircuts, minivans, and soccer tournaments.  i will not let being a mother take over my life.  i still want things for myself.

i’m the same person i always was.  i just have a pretty short clone wandering around here somewhere.

i remember getting pains in my legs sometimes when i was younger and my parents would contribute them to “growing” pains.  those were nothing compared with the turmoil you go through when you’re trying to make your way from child to adult.

i have to say though, that i’m glad i’m not stuck in between stages anymore.  when i was 19 i thought i was an independent adult.  oh, how very wrong i was.  that was probably the worst time in my life.  but it was pretty good too.

working hard for all the things in my life gives me a good feeling.  i don’t want to be somebody who just gets things handed to them.

how can you expect to grow as a person if you’re never given the opportunity?

ciao bella.

i have a problem with people lying to get help.  like, food stamps.  i don’t know anyone personally who did/does this, but the idea of it outrages me.  we don’t make a lot of money, but according to the government, we make too much money to be given any assistance.  but we were at walmart and the couple in front of us had two carts full of groceries and whatnot, the woman busted out her foodstamps and her wic money.  as we left the store, we saw what vehicle they were getting in to and while it wasn’t brand new, it was certainly more expensive than the car we drive.  and not economical at all, which i don’t think matters, but shouldn’t assets be taken into account for things like that?

there are good, honest people in this world who work hard for a living and never get ahead.  never make enough money to retire at 40, or 65, or hell, ever.  people who don’t cheat, steal, or lie.  this country was founded on the ideals of the rich and lofty but flourished under the blood and sweat of the working man.  i’m not a communist, a socialist, or even a marxist, and to be completely honest, don’t remember enough about the principles of them to give full details, but i can tell you there is something to be learned from johnny blue collar.

and i have to say, politically i feel like our governmental system is more a kin to a three-ring circus than anything intelligent.  it’s a pissing contest and a big crap shoot.  just because i’m unhappy with the bush presidency and administration doesn’t mean that i’d be happy to see a democrat take over.  it depends which dem wins the primary.  i’d like to see mccain as commander-in-chief, but i don’t think he’ll win the republican nod.  i think giuliani will take it, and then fail to secure the presidency.  i don’t think hillary is the right choice for president, she seems competent enough but there’s no sense of ease with her.

unfortunately, hillary is leading the polls in several states.  even if she’s president, the most it could ever last is eight years, unless of course she’s the vice president for whatever reason and the president dies, she could serve as president for ten years, but that won’t happen.  i don’t think she’ll take a back seat.  i mean c’mon, everyone thinks that women are really bad drivers but the problem is, we’re actually just poor back seat drivers.

ciao bella.

people create the drama in their own lives.  those who play victim only play it to themselves.  we don’t have control over everything in our lives, but the one thing we can control is our reactions.  people don’t like drama queens.  and i don’t mean that i don’t like them, i mean, it’s tiring to just be around people like that.  i don’t want to live vicariously through that.  what’s the point?  there are things in my life that i want, the biggest one being stability.  i’ve changed, i really have.  and even i used to think that people don’t change.  but once you get some perspective, oh it has such a profound influence.

i think that’s what most people need in their lives.  and i would like to say that having a baby is what changed me, but i know that’s not entirely it.  i know people who have multiple children and still act like idiots.  i think what really does it, what really changes you is your reaction to something life altering.  because even though something of that magnitude has happened, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to be different.  you have to choose to change.  and for the better, obviously.

it means, letting go.  of pain, of pride, of the past, and of your remorse, regret, and dissatisfaction.  you created the life you are living right now.  which means, and this is crucial, that you can create the life you live tomorrow.  or in five minutes.  it is all about perspective.  do what makes you happy, but be mindful of it.  as at some point, if not always, the decisions you make affect others.  and this is key.  you are not alone in this world.  you must take into consideration that fact that other people exist and have exactly the same rights as you.

and i belive that this is where most people have gone wrong.  they sever ties with people because of conflicting interests.  don’t blow off people because you think they are getting in your way.  most importantly, do not burn your bridges.  only in the most extreme situations will you have to do so.  there are unhealthy people in this world.  do not make them a burden of yours.  you cannot help sociopaths.  you cannot change them.  they will find help or they will hurt themselves.  but they will hurt you if you keep them around.

find perspective.

ciao bella.

the baby’s top front teeth have started to come in.  she’s had her bottom two for what, a month?  it seems like she’ll never stop growing.  what happened to that little pink ball of fluff that i brought home from the hospital eight months ago?  i love this whole motherhood thing but it just keeps snowballing on me.  she’s already so heavy to the point that i can’t carry her around for more than fifteen minutes at a time.  i love my georgia elizabeth to death and can’t imagine life without her.  she’s starting to talk now.  mostly just repeating syllable sounds over and over like ga-ga, ba-ba, ma-ma, and da-da.  so it sounds like she’s saying momma and dada but who knows if she associates those words to us yet?

our new apartment is huge.  comparatively speaking.  our last apartment was a giant shoebox, but for a giant with very small feet.  our cable won’t be hooked up until tomorrow and our internet won’t be hooked up until monday, but at least one of my neighbors is nice enough not to lock his wireless connection.  i think it’s so funny that i readily use any unsecured wireless connection i can but as soon as my internet is hooked up, i’m going to put a lock on it.  if only i knew whose internet i was using, maybe i’d thank them for it.  but probably not.  i am a terrible person after all.

it’s so strange to think that leo and i have only been married for six months (tomorrow).  i feel like we’ve been together forever.  it’s unexplainable how so suddenly two people’s lives become one.  and it didn’t happen when we moved in together, or when we got married, but when we had georgia.  and after having his baby, nothing in the world would have made me feel so connected to him.  so i knew, i knew after that that marrying him wouldn’t be about the baby.  it would be about us.  and so, i didn’t do things the conventional way but i’m actually happy about that.  i will finish college and get my degree and now, it will mean more to me.  i had to get pregnant for my life to have meaning.  there is absolutely nothing in this world that i want more than to make it a beautiful, safe, loving, and happy environment for my baby.  i want to her to have everything she needs and more.  i never understood the idea of being fiercely protective of anything until i was a mother.

being a mother is the most rewarding, though terribly underpaid, job i have and will ever have.

though this doesn’t mean i’m rushing to get pregnant.  one baby is a handful.

ciao bella.

in a brand new place.

stealing someone’s internet.

borrowing, rather.

unpacking and mostly slacking off.

not scared.

like i thought i would be.

just a little sadder.

and much more lost.

“the ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”

W. Somerset Maughn

ciao bella.