September 17, 2007

• i feel like it’s been a really long weekend.  and that’s probably due to the fact that almost nothing but football has been on tv since saturday morning.  to be honest, i don’t really mind college football.  it’s pro football that i can’t stand.  other than well, the superbowl.

  
  

  i’m excited for this fall.  it’s already pretty cool outside, which i love, and i’m just waiting for the leaves to change.  this is something i’ve never seen before so i’m pretty stoked.

  
  

  i feel like i’ve been disconnected from my life lately.  as if what i’m living isn’t my real life.  i don’t know how to explain it and it’s not the first time i’ve felt like this.  i feel like i spend most of my life waiting for something and not just enjoying the present.  it’s so hard because i’m constantly feeling some sort of anxiety about upcoming events.  i can’t say for sure if it’s a good or a bad thing that since i got pregnant (which i just realized was two years ago) my life has been anything but constant.  it’s not unstable, it’s just that it’s always changing.  i feel like i’m always on the verge of something.

  
  

  this is how i would love for the next five years to play out.  i want to go back to school and finish my degree.  when we hit our five year anniversary i would love to renew our vows with an actual ceremony, considering we never had a wedding to begin with.  not that i’m sad about getting married in my car, in a drive-thru, in vegas.  it was definitely a thrill.  and then, after that i feel like it would be a good time to have another baby.  i don’t know if this is how it will play out, and i might end up having another baby before then.  i just feel like it’s time for me to do something.  and i would rather be out there earning a degree than working for crap pay.

  
  

  i don’t know.  this isn’t exactly how i imagined my life to be, which isn’t a bad thing at all, in fact, i’m not sure that i even did imagine what my life would be like at 22.  for sure, i would have thought i’d be finishing my degree this next may, but i can say with certainty that right now i’d rather have a 15 month old darling than a college degree.  and who knows, maybe one day i’ll end up giving ten million dollars to a major university and getting an honorary degree.  but at that point, with all that money why would i need an honorary degree?  and to be honest, when i’m in my late forties, ten million dollars will be a mere pittance.  hardly worth mentioning.

  
  

  so let’s be straight.  i like where i am, but it’s an odd feeling to reexamine your life and feel like you’re not quite a part of it.  i’m ready for the next adventure because i know it will be the best one yet.  i never used to like change, i used to fear it like no other, but now, with all the growing up that i’ve done, i see that it’s never a bad thing.  change, like anything else in life, is what you make of it.  determination and a willing spirit are half the battle.

  • 12:04 am
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